My friend James became ill and died in a very short space of time. It was less than three months from when he first started complaining about being tired and feeling pain in his belly til his funeral last Monday. In that time I consulted with him as a herbalist, and also phoned and visited him as a friend. We didn’t know the extent of his illness at the beginning, I only knew from his blood test results that something was seriously wrong. He ended up in hospital where they finally started taking his problems seriously, but by the time he was diagnosed there was no medical treatment available and he was moved to hospice for palliative care.
I visited him in hospital and then hospice several times per week. We talked a lot to begin with. He talked about his life, his fears and his hopes. I let him know how much I appreciated him, not just for the work he did for me but also as a friend. I met his parents, his sister, some of his friends and cousins, and I talked a lot with his wife. Sometimes I just hung out, especially when he had other visitors. I didn’t always know the right thing to say, but mostly let James talk and stayed present and open for him to share what he needed to. Each time I left I would spend some time processing the experience and my own emotions.
The speed at which his illness progressed, the diagnosis he was given, and the alarming rate that he wasted away I found hard to believe. It seemed unfair and didn’t make any sense. He was young, fit, strong, and lived a healthy lifestyle. I was grateful to have friends I could talk to about what I was going through, and when it was overwhelming, I would use art and journalling to help me understand and process my experience so I could articulate my feelings and emotions more clearly.
As a child I wasn’t taught how to deal with emotion. It wasn’t ok to cry, get angry or even get too excited about anything. This lack of emotional intelligence led me terribly astray in my life, so I’ve had to teach myself how to identify and understand my emotions, and process them in healthy ways.
Some of the tools that have helped me navigate my emotional landscape over the last few months are:
1. Walking. Going for long walks through the local parks and gardens with my dog, not listening to podcasts or music but being present with my thoughts and feelings, had a calming effect.
2. Journalling and writing. I find that writing about my experiences – what’s happening and how I’m feeling about it is useful to gain clarity. When I read back over what I’ve written, it helps me make sense of it all. I wrote a poem about James when he was nearing the end, which enabled me to articulate and understand how I was feeling more authentically than any other form of writing.
3 Art journalling. I’ve been learning mixed media art journalling as a method of self care over the past couple of years. When I’m creating art to understand how I’m feeling, the colours, shapes or lines that appear on the page tell a story or express a feeling that words can’t define. Sometimes a word, quote, phrase, or song lyrics will pop into my head that are exactly what I need to find peace.
4. Philosophy. We did a few sessions in Coaching Club earlier this year discussing various religions and philosophies, and the purpose and meaning of life. I’ve always been interested in these subjects, and having an understanding of life and death that made sense to me, brought a feeling of peace and acceptance about the situation.
5. Talking to Friends. I remember reading somewhere about dumping out not dumping in when supporting someone who’s going through a challenging time. To me this meant being very respectful to James, and his wife, parents, and sister who were his inner circle. I was there for them to lean on if need be. I talked to my other friends and kids about James so they could be there to support me if I needed it. By doing my own emotional processing it meant I wasn’t leaning heavily on my friends or family, but sharing my experience with them so they understood what was going on in my life. Emotional connection is vital for healthy relationships.
6. Feel how you’re feeling. When strong emotion comes up, I was taught to keep it under wraps. I learnt to distract myself from how I was feeling, suppress it with food or alcohol, or try to escape from it in some way. It’s common for people to comfort eat, drink, over shop, overexercise, over work, over scroll etc., to avoid feeling their emotions. But what I’ve learnt is that the only way to process an emotion is to stay present and feel it. Notice how it feels in your body, name it if you can, and let it run it’s course. Yes, it may be uncomfortable, inconvenient, or painful to feel your emotions, but they do pass if given the opportunity and you will feel better after.
This sad experience of my friends demise has been really hard, yet it’s been a good test of my ability to practice what I preach. I feel more real, more human, and more connected with life as a result. Even though this was not my first experience of death, it was the first experience of spending quality time with someone in their journey of death.
Rest in peace my friend, I will miss you.
The next series of workshops for Coaching Club are about communication to create connection, express empathy and have good conversations. The quality of your life is impacted by the quality of your relationships, and the quality of your relationships are dependant upon the quality of your communication. Therefore if you want healthy relationships with other people, and a desire to connect deeply, then this next series is for you.
Coaching club is held on Monday evenings 6:30-8:30pm and Friday afternoons 3-5 pm. To book in, click on this link or fill in the contact form on my website.
